Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
