Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
