I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
