Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize