your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
