Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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