His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
