I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
