Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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