Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
