watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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