why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
that is very illegal...i love you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
