dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
