she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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