i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
