It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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