if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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