I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
