after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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