Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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