He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
