i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
