I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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