That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
