I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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