I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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