Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
