Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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