You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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