I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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