If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
