he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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