Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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