I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
