Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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