Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize