i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
