Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
