somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
