My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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