bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
