Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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