he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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