let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
