dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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