so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
