Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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