Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
