May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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