i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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