I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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