I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
