Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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