I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
