I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
dude. I can hear the air.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize