we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
