If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Randomize
