I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
