im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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